Grieving

It happens every year; I get in a slump and feel really homesick. It usually starts right around the the time the leaves start changing color in Minnesota, when it is bonfire and apple picking season, when it is cool enough to wear jeans and a sweater but not quite cold enough for a jacket on top, when it smells like fall and fresh cut wood and when the leaves crunch beneath my feet. A season where caramel apples and apple cider are in their peak, where Thanksgiving is just around the corner, but the anticipation of Christmas isn't too far off, when Caribou Coffee has their pumpkin spice lattes and a fire in their fireplace. The homesickness peaks around Christmas when I would love to be with family and slowly wanes as I remember just how cold and dreary the winter months can be in Minnesota.

But nonetheless, I grieve. I grieve not being with family, not having them see our children grow up and know who they are except via skype and pictures when we aren't visiting during the summer . I grieve being away for celebrations, holidays and family dinners. I yearn for convenient grocery shopping, pull in (instead of backing in) parking, orderly lines, for people to not assume I am Thai, malls that don't require you to take a seemingly pointless parking card that ends up causing traffic jams during busy times, for driving or traffic that doesn't seem quite as chaotic, where I don't feel as guarded when making new friends since it is a revolving door with contracts around here, and for many other little, yet perhaps ridiculously convenient things that I have often taken for granted.

It's hard. I don't always like to admit that; I think in large part because I understand and know that this is where God has called us. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt at times, or that I won't longingly look online for jobs and houses back in the states, that I won't get sad when I see pictures on Facebook of things my friends are doing, that I won't cry when I wish I could have been at a funeral, or give a hug to a friend on a rough day, or meet a new baby.

Being in Thailand often seems like a choice to many people. And in one way or another, it is. After all, I can choose to obey or disobey the call that God places on my heart and life. But I choose to obey...sometimes it is while digging my heels in or while having to make a conscious effort to do so, or even while throwing a tantrum. Now don't get me wrong, we love the school and the mission/ministry of it, we love the expat community we have and the wonderful group of friends we have made, and we love our small group...those are the things that make life here so great (and keeps us sane in difficult times)! But there are definitely times when being halfway around the world does indeed feel like a sacrifice and I wish it didn't take 24 hours to get to Minnesota just for a hug from my parents.

Read this great article: Outlawed Grief, a Curse Disguised

Giving grandparents kisses via skype.

Picture family album...how our kids are learning family members and names.
Auntie Sarah & Uncle Pete, Grandpa Gary & Grandma K.

Grandpa Dave, Cousin Bennett & Grandma C, Godparents Uncle P. and Auntie T.

Uncle Ben, Auntie Em, Cousin Bennett & Uncle Joey
Grandpa Gary & Uncle Greg

Courage

Aside from getting married and having children, nothing in life has caused me to pray more than driving in Bangkok. Bangkok streets are full of potholes (nothing that a Minnesota resident isn't used to after a long winter), traffic jams, lanes that are created out of nowhere, busses that pay no attention to you, pedestrians that cross whenever they wish, and motorbikes that zip in and out of traffic (usually giving me a partial heart attack).

 

Photo from google

Photo from google

So needless to say, when we decided to get a car, the thought of driving here terrified me. I wasn't sure I could do it. I mean, I was the kid growing up who was fine not getting my driver's license. There was a time where I thought my brothers, my parents and then my husband would drive me around so basically I would never need to learn. Clearly I did get my license, but driving has never been something that I enjoy. But I knew that having a car here was really a necessity with the twins along with the move to our new condo...

We had become every taxi driver's worst nightmare by the end of last year with our stroller that was too large to fit in the trunk due to their natural gas tank, and needed to be put in the front seat but often times was dirty and got in the way of shifting. And we were quite the spectacle getting in and out when we had groceries...those poor drivers were patient with us, thankfully. But then there were the times that the twins would be screaming their heads off, banging on the windows, crawling around in the back, and causing a ruckus. Two words my friends: car seats. Yes, I know they are law in America, but they aren't here in Thailand...boy on boy, do car seats make a world of difference. Additionally, we have had plenty of a scary scary drivers...the kind where you fear for your life. And then to add kids into the mix...yep, we knew we were done with taxis. 

Then there was our move. We moved to a condo complex about 15 minutes from school. It is more of a Thai neighborhood than Parkland ever was, so it feels a little more remote. There isn't a convenient taxi stand just right outside the complex (there are motos, but not taxis), so if you need a taxi, you have to pay a moto 20 baht to go fetch you a taxi.

Anyway, having a car has been life changing. It has made trips to school, church, the park, small group, play group, etc. possible without feeling overwhelmed and worn. Mike has taken to driving nicely...he is confident and directionally knowledgable. He has had very little hesitation driving a manual on steep parking ramps, backing into parking spots, parallel parking from the opposite side, navigating traffic, etc. 

I have been slower to warming up to it all. Despite owning a manual car back in the states, I have had to kind of relearn how to drive because of a more sensitive clutch. Driving with kids is a different experience too...especially if I am alone with the twins. Screaming children, Bangkok traffic, being slightly directionally challenged, going somewhere new...wow, talk about a stressful situation for me. However, I have gotten significantly more comfortable, slightly more aggressive, and much more confident as I have learned to navigate the roads better. I decided to start backing into a parking spot at our condo (it is not necessary) to get practice, which has made parking at the mall a breeze and not stressful when people are waiting behind me.

                                

Anyway, we are thrilled with our car and so happy we have it. It has been a huge blessing and has seriously been life changing. Our world feels so much bigger and more accessible...it has just taken a bit of courage for me to get there. :)

Long time no blog

Hello dear reader, it has been a while. Thanks for stopping by despite my lack of posts.

What's new?

-Mike finished coaching basketball. (Thank you Jesus!)

-We are enjoying more family time now because of him no longer coaching

-Next big thing for Mike is field day in December; it is a big event so you can pray for the planning and that all the details would come together nicely.

-I am getting much more comfortable driving here in Bangkok. (More on that next post...)

-I have been enjoying running again and am planning on running my first post pregnancy race in December. It is only a 10k, but you have to start somewhere!

-We have always enjoyed every stage the twins have been in, but one seems particularly fun and entertaining.

-We went on vacation to Phuket (pronounced pooh-ket) for a week to visit our fear friends who recently moved there (pics in another blog post)

Prayers for:

-Field day

-Wosdom in parenting

-Consistency in discipline

-Disciplined quiet times

-This time of year at ICS teachers need to submit their letter of intent, indicating their plans for next year. It seems that there will be quite a few of our close friends leaving this next year, which is always hard. It is easy not to want to engage or invest once you know someone is leaving. So prayers to desire to want to be involved and pursue friendships despite the outcome.

Foodies

My children do not like cheesy brats. Who doesn't like cheesy brats!?!? Yet they eat hummus by the spoonful, black beans by the can and stuff their mouth with peas like they're candy. I am grateful....I just think it's funny.

Chillaxin'

Owen is pretty chill most of the time. He loves to race around in the pool and splash, jump, kick, chew on dive sticks etc. but he also loves just sitting on a lap and hanging out. I love that he is so snuggly.

Fighting for joy

I will be honest...these past few days, I have really been struggling to be joyful and content in my circumstances. A large part of it is just my pride and my desire for things to go the way I expect or in a way that doesn't inconvenience me.

Sunday mornings always throw us into a shift in schedule with church and a lack of a long morning nap. This essentially throws off the start of the week with tired and grumpy babies. Needless to say, there's part of me that doesn't look forward to going to church these days. Sunday night was filled with  Owen pooping in the bathtub, later having an explosive blowout diaper that got all over his pajamas, and then neither child going to sleep until 8:30. Monday morning, both kids were up earlier than anticipated, Emma had three massively poopy diapers within a two hour span of time and she was clingy and tired. Owen was particularly whiny, is currently in a stage of boycotting all solid foods so throws all his food on the floor, and then he was falling everywhere and hitting his head because he was tired, and stealing toys from Emma but hollering like a crazy man if she tried to get it back.

It is hard for me to put Owen down for a nap when Emma wants to cling to me or screams like a banshee if I set her down, so I usually wait for our helper, Miss Ning, to arrive first. She normally arrives around 9, but because we are in the rainy season, flooding will sometimes affect her commute. So by 9:30 when she arrived, I had two screaming babies and several poopy cloth diapers to spray out, I hadn't eaten breakfast and I was a mess emotionally. 

Sigh. It's hard to fight for joy in those moments. It's easy for me to give in to ugly thoughts and feelings towards my job as a mother, towards my husband who leaves each morning for work and can't help with the hard Monday mornings, towards Owen and Emma for not sleeping a bit longer so they aren't as tired and crabby.

So in trying to fight for joy this morning, I thought I would write down some things for which I am thankful, counteracting my poor attitude with gratefulness...

Beautiful and healthy babies

Great healthcare at an international hospital

A husband who cares for one of the twins in the middle of the night so I can get sleep

A husband who works hard so I can stay at home with our babies

A husband who decided not to coach soccer so he has more time with his family

A wonderful helper who loves our children

Technology to stay in touch with family and friends around the world

A church we are fed at

Time to read (and blog!) when Emma naps in a carrier on my chest

Time to cook

The new condo we are living in

Our car

The way Owen laughs hysterically when he thinks Emma is chasing him (she usually isn't) 

Toothy baby grins

Homemade caramel macchiatos

Friends who check in and are intentional about seeing me

Sprinkle water delivery so I don't have to fill up jugs of water from the filtered faucet anymore

How Emma loves kissing Owen, laying on his back and holding his hand

The way Emma is soothed by touching my face

A big oven

Babies that love to read and dance to music

Food delivery to my door

Cute cloth diapers that save us tons of money

Soft baby skin

Regular quiet times that I can stay awake for finally since I am not so sleep deprived. :)

Emma sleeping through the night

Small group

Air con

Cool breezes every now and again

The kiddie pool at school

Cheesy brats from the more American grocery store

The gospel

Homemade ice cream, particularly the favors that are hard to find here

Books that feed me and help me grow spiritually, as well as challenge my walk.

People buying my handmade cards/placing orders

There is so much for which to be grateful...so many more things than what has irritated me these past couple of days. So I cling to these precious gifts and the joy of the gospel and everything else grows strangely dim...because that's how you fight for joy.

Playground

At our condo complex, there is a little playground. Miss Ning frequents it with the kids, particularly Emma when she wakes up earlier than Owen from a nap. This morning, Owen kept standing by the he door and hollering to go out. (I think he just wanted to push the elevator buttons).So all four of us walked down to the playground, stopping to see the kitty on the way...

Chasing after the poor cat while hollering at him. Emma was fine and brave with the cat as long as it was on her terms (aka: she chases after the cat and it runs away), but as soon  as the cat started coming towards her, she got scared and started running away. She is so funny like that...she is so brave and sure of herself, but then is curiously terrified of animals. On the other hand, Owen loves animals and even loves it when dogs lick him. 

The little mister chillin'.

Emma is really into exploring the limits of her body. She loves moving, grooving, kicking, dancing, and climbing. She climbed up to the top of the slide without any help; Miss Ning just spotted her in case she slipped, but she didn't. I think she may be part billy goat. 

Friends

I pray everyday that Owen and Emma will not only get along, but will be great friends.

One

Emma and Owen are one!!! 

One...I am having a hard time letting that sink in. Honestly, I don't know where this past year has gone and how my itty bitty preemie babies are now toddlers who walk and talk, eat hummus by the spoonful and black beans by the can, who run to daddy when he comes home from work, and run to me while saying "Mama" over and over again.

This past year has been full of learning about and delighting in each other. I am so grateful for two happy little kiddos who exude joy and are teaching me so much about life and love. I am cherishing each moment, writing down memories and taking pictures...and in it all, my heart feels so ridiculously full. I didn't know that life could ever be so amazing, so fresh, so full of love that points me to God. It is refreshing and tiring and worth every moment.

I am so thankful for Owen and Emma, for their distinct differences in personality, for how both of them contribute to and complete our family in different ways. It has been so fun to see their personalities unravel.

Emma is our little character. She is full of laughter, silliness and games. She loves to smile and is a total charmer. The other day she had some waitresses and guests wrapped around her finger as she smiled, laughed, clapped and squealed for them in the restaurant. She loves to give kisses, read books, try to feed me with her spoon, play peek-a-boo, laugh, take naps with me, snuggle, run around, be chased and tickled, help push the laundry baskets to the drying rack when they are full of clothes (this is her "chore" now), dance to music, play with shoes (thankfully she no longer licks them), sweep with her toy broom, and turn everything into a game. She has a fun personality and sense of humor. She is smart as a whip, can follow some simple directions, do a few baby signs, and point to what she wants. She is a tough cookie, rarely crying if she gets hurt, giving whatever hurt her a scowl as she rubs her aching body part. Emma has the most adorable nose squinch smile that shows off two of her four pearly whites, is passionate about food (she loves peas, hummus, black beans, spaghetti and blueberries the most), and is a total Mama's girl. She is a joy.

Owen is our fairly laid back, somewhat serious little dude. Unlike his extrovert sister, Owen is an introvert and enjoys spending time in his crib alone. Often times after taking a nap, he will play in his crib for a good 20 minutes and just laugh his head off at who knows what. He has an infectious belly laugh, which is most noticed when he is chased, tickled or held upside down. He loves to be tossed, go swimming, take baths, stand at the window, bang or drum on anything, sleep, his owl blanket (Mr. Owl), touch anything that has a light, a cord, or spins. He is particularly fond of remotes, the elevator, the ceiling fans at our condo, and wheels on anything. He loves pasta, peas, yogurt and applesauce. He makes his parents nervous though too because he is excellent at shoveling WAY too much food in his mouth and then moaning at us because he can't swallow it, while simultaneously not allowing us to help him. He is less quick to give a smile but has an easier time adjusting to being around other people. He is as sweet as sweet can be, loving snuggles, sitting in a lap to read or just relax. His big brown eyes melt my heart. He is a joy.

We are so blessed by them and grateful to be their parents.

Picture of the day: September 21

Somebody didn't want to be kissed...

Picture of the day: September 20

My sweet babies. 

Picture of the day: September 11

Emma is really into reading (hooray!!) and kissing everyone and everything these days. I love that she'll crawl into my lap to read, or that when we Skype with people, she kisses the ipad screen. 

Our wonderful helper, Miss Ning plays with and loves on our kids so well. i managed to capture a few sweet pictures of Emma and her reading "Snuggle Bunny" together...

Picture of the day: September 2

Most mornings I get to enjoy a good 30-40 minutes alone with this handsome little guy. He is such a happy boy overall, but mornings are when he is by far the happiest and full of the most giggles. We spend our time taking morning milk, laughing, pointing and staring at the ceiling fan, playing catch with a ball...which means him tossing it and me rolling it back to him, clapping, singing and squealing in delight over everything (him, not me) and sometimes taking pics. 

Picture of the day: August 29

This is Owen's new thing that has developed in the last 2 weeks: feeding himself. He immediately throws his body backwards to lay down/lounge to drink it and he does it whether you are ready to catch him or not. Ha! What a goofer.

Picture of the day: August 28

Emma doesn't drink well from the nuby sippy cup but does fantastic with the straw sippy. Owen is the exact opposite. Funny kidlets with funny differences.

What if we encouraged instead of judged?

I found this post sitting in my drafts from April! Thought I would add to it and finally post!

So today I was asked by another mother if my children were sleeping through the night. I know hers have slept through the night practically since birth so I knew what was coming...the comparisons,the judgement, the "you're a bad mother" looks. I answered truthfully; they still get up. Sometimes it is just at 5 am, sometimes it's at 11, 2 & 5...I never know what it will be. It depends on their needs, how much they ate before bed, if they are having a growth spurt, etc. Anyway, I got the sympathetic yet slightly judgmental pause with an "ooh...they should be sleeping through the night by now" response. And suddenly I found myself swirling in a world of motherhood doubt. Should they be sleeping through the night?! Stupid. I let one measly comment make me second guess the needs of my children. MY CHILDREN. The children that no one else knows better than me except for the one who created them.  So judge away all you want, but I have decided not to really care and not take off hand comments or unwelcome suggestions seriously or personally.

There are so many different parenting methods out there and really, none of them work well unless you know youself and your limits, as well as the needs of your child. I am finding that what works for Owen does not work for Emma; they are individuals with different needs. Clearly, if anything, that demonstrates the necessity to know your child.

So perhaps instead of being quick to judge others for how they decide to parent or how their child behaves, or quick to offer unsolicited "words of wisdom," maybe see what doors open if you just ask how their heart is doing or how you could pray for them. Because really, if that mom had just asked me how things were going, I would have told her they weren't sleeping through the night had I thought it was a problem.

Picture of the day: August 26

One of my friends, in an effort to blog more and give glimpses into her daily life, decided to post almost daily pictures on her blog. She doesn't stress about posting a pic every day, but is at least more intentional about taking pictures. qI liked that idea, so am going to take it and run with it as well. Thanks, Clare!

Mama went to a baby shower and didn't get home until around/after bedtime. Daddy was on double bottle and bedtime duty. Good thing they can hold their own bottles...I remember when they were tiny and if I needed them to drink on their own, I had to prop up their bottle.

Nothing out of the ordinary...

Mike has a sweet little girl in grade 2 who, when she was in k4, once talked to Mike about her babies (dollies) named Cake and Cookie. I remember getting a good chuckle over the names of her dollies, but after having lived in Thailand for 4+years and having students with original (and not so original) nicknames such as Cake or Cookie, it is nothing unusual now.

Transition now into this little girl being in grade 2:
Student: I have diarrhea this morning.
Mike: I am sorry to hear that.

Again nothing unusual about that...morning attendance/excuses is sent to teachers each morning and often times the reason a student is missing from school because of diarrhea. Yep...diarrhea. The excuse doesn't say an upset stomach or food poisoning or sickness. It is so interesting to me how we Americans are so private and find certain questions or conversation topics awkward.  Most everything here is fair game...how much money you make, why you don't have children, why you have so many children, why you aren't married, aaaaaand bodily functions.  Ha!

The tipping point

It's mid July and our time in Minnesota is winding down. This summer seemed to fly by at warp speed, as did this past school year. The birth of the twins seemed to be the spark that kicked life into high gear and we haven't looked back since!

We have had a delightful 6 weeks stateside. We have enjoyed spending time with family and friends, hanging out in the kiddie pool, being part of my best friend's wedding day, seeing my brother and his new wife, taking naps, playing in the grass, watching our beautiful babes take everything in and learn new things, watching our kids interact with the children of so many of our dear friends, spending time together as a family, eating good beef, worshipping at Sovereign Grace Church, riding bikes with a trailer for the babes, etc.

Yet despite all these wonderful things, this year--like every other year that we come back for a visit, I never feel quite at home. Part of it is living with other people, living out of a suitcase, having people constantly around, not having our normal routine, etc., but I think we have reached a tipping point in our life now. Mike and I have been feeling the effects of being in Thailand for four years. We have now lived in Thailand the same number of years we lived in Minnesota as a married couple, we have been in Thailand almost twice as long as the number of years we spent worshipping at Sovereign Grace. This next year, Mike will have taught the same number of years in Thailand as in Minnesota.

In all of this, our church body has changed and we feel like we don't know half the people anymore, some friendships are perhaps a little more distant from not keeping up on a regular basis through the year, former acquaintances are not really acquaintances anymore, and once familiar places are not quite as easy to remember how to get to anymore, conversations are more updates because our worlds are just different.

Parts of me grieve all these changes that I feel and observe, knowing that the longer we stay in Thailand (or wherever we live) the more pronounced they will become.  Despite change not being anything out of the ordinary...close friends stay close, acquaintances drift, policies and populations change...it doesn't make the sometimes abrupt feeling change (due to being overseas and only coming back for a few weeks in the summer) easier.

But even when my heart aches for things of this earth though, I delight in knowing that Thailand is where we are supposed to be for this season.

Thoughts from an adoptee

My beautiful friend, Holly, wrote this remarkable blog post on being an adopted Korean-American, growing up in California, but currently residing in Asia...and what that means, how it feels, etc. As I read her post, I found myself literally saying aloud, "Yeah!! That's totally how it is!" She so eloquently expressed things for which I simply did not have words.

One of the first things that Holly asked me after the birth of Owen and Emma was, "So how does it feel to have your first blood relations?" Deep. I hadn't really sorted through the raw emotion of it at the time, but since then I've unpacked more of what it means to me, a fellow adopted Korean-American.

Adoption is a beautiful thing. Families are made and babies are not aborted or entirely abandoned. However, it is not without its issues no matter how well families address them.  It took going to counseling for me to really understand the impact that adoption has had on me. I struggled; namely with abandonment and self-esteem issues, which manifested in seeking attention, control and security. I also struggled, as many adoptees tend to, with over attachment and under attachment issues as well, which swung like a pendulum through the years.

Due to being adopted myself, adoption has honestly never been something I have been drawn to. Maybe my heart will change but I think it is, like many things, a calling...and one that I simply do not currently feel called to. Some might say that I would understand adoptee issues well, but I think there is a part of me that fears having to continue to deal with them, just on a different level. That being said, it has always been really really important to me to have my own biological children.

So how does it feel to have my first biological relations in my midst? Amazing. Amazing to love and hold them from birth. Amazing to have them recognize me and attach to me emotionally. Amazing to see both Mike and me in them. Amazing to see characteristics or personality traits of Mike and me. Amazing... Simply amazing.

And then there is a part of me that is so enormously relieved. Relieved  to know that they won't be asked, "Where's your REAL family" or " Who's your REAL mom?" Yeah..try dealing with that as a kindergartener! That they (hopefully) won't get mistaken as their sibling's significant other, or feel ashamed of the color of their hair and eyes or the shape of their eyes and nose. Relieved that they won't have peers ask them if they are a "commi" from North Korea. Relieved that when they look at family pictures, there won't be twinges of insecurity at being different. Relieved that they get to answer some of the family medical history questions at the doctor because they will actually know some of their medical history, albeit parts of it missing due to my lack of knowledge of my own family history.

So...as grateful for I am for the gift that adoption is to adoptees (including myself) and adopters, as an adoptee, having  biological children of my own is really truly one of the greatest gifts I could have ever been given.

Enamored

We just adore these two precious gifts!

7.5 months

Heartache in the midst of happiness

Yesterday was Mother's Day. I spent the day getting lavishly loved on by my husband and playing with my kiddos. It was wonderful. Yet my heart was heavy with grief in so many ways...aching for friends who are single and want to be married and start their own family, those who are walking the road of infertility and possibly undergoing painful procedures, for those (including myself) who have experienced miscarriage and unmet expectation, for friends who have lost their mother, for friends who are waiting and waiting to adopt, for the adopted and adoptees who sometimes hear the question, "But who's your REAL mom?"

 So as I scroll through Facebook and see several pregnancy announcements, pics of people with their own kids or mother... Know that if you are one of those people, you are beyond blessed. So squeeze your mother and your child, but remember to squeeze a friend who might be walking a difficult journey as well.

Confessions #2

Yes, we're still alive... I got irritated with blogger since I had typed out a really long blog post and then it didn't save. So I took...ahem...a two month hiatus. That and I had a big card sale that I had to get ready for, so I was busy stamping. The husband just recently had shoulder surgery, so that changed life dramatically since he hasn't been able to lift, bear weight, or even really move his arm. And then life with twins is just a bit crazy, particularly now that they are getting more into things, are more alert and opinionated as well, and just plain get bored if I don't give them a bit more structure in their day. Anyway, here's a new confessions post.

 1. I NEVER thought I'd be a stay at home mom...EVER.
2. I hate pumping. Sometimes I'd rather skip it and just wait (and burst) to nurse. I especially hate waking up multiple times in the middle of the night to pump so I'll set myself up so I can fall asleep during those times.
3. Every night, I usually have the desire to stay up much later than necessary because I want time to myself after getting all the "evening must do's" done.
4. Emma spit up the other day and I almost puked at the smell of it.
5. I can't wait for Emma's hair to grow longer so people will stop asking "Which one's the girl?"
6. I often lift Owen over my head and "pulse" him to get an arm workout...that's how I plan on getting my arms in shape.i
7. I accidentally tried a drop or two of my milk once.
8. I think Owen is going to be a real heart throb with those long eyelashes, infectious laugh and cute smile.
9. I rock my kids to sleep...go ahead and judge me if you want, but they are only young once and I am going to soak every second of it up.
10. I love that Owen loves blankies...he's my "little Linus"
11. I don't miss teaching...at all.
12. I am addicted to Pinterest for good ideas on how to entertain, stimulate and educate my babies...sometimes I think I would get stuck in a rut otherwise.
13. I hate cutting baby fingernails. I feel like I do it every other day. I hate it!
14. It irritates me when people constantly ask me what I feed my babies because they have so many rolls. So I have big babies. have you never seen a big baby before? I am always tempted to give some snarky reply. I can't help it; my babies are healthy and love my milk...and my milk is apparently whole milk. I get even more irritated when the same people ask me that question each time they see me...as if it is a great conversations starter or something. Seriously.
15. I am completely terrified of flying 23+ hours with the twins back to Minnesota this summer. Terrified, I tell you. So if any of you have advice on flying with 8 month old, crabby teething babies, and then helping them get over jet lag, please let me know your tricks...I will be forever grateful.

Confessions:

1.     Sometimes I will take half hour showers when I can because I don’t always know when my next shower will be. I also just like the alone time with no child attached to me.

2.     I love that Owen is older. I think older brothers are cuter than older sisters because a) I grew up with older brothers  b) older sisters have the “reputation” of just being plain bossy and c) older brothers have the “reputation” of being protective of their younger sisters.

3.     I think Owen is a stud

4.     Emma’s small porcelain doll lips, dainty little chin and tiny ballerina feet compared to her massive cheeks, double chin, cankle rolls and huge thighs make me laugh every day.

5.     I love that my little baby boy loves to snuggle and that his tender heart is evident when he cries or pouts when his sister is legitimately crying.

6.     Mike ran an errand the other day and left me home alone with two babies (one of which was sleeping). When he came home, both of them were screaming their heads off and I was just laughing… because really, it was just a ridiculous situation.

7.     I probably take at least 20 pics and 2-3 videos a day of Owen and Emma

8.     I find myself doing the most ridiculous things to get them to laugh.

9.     Sometimes when a child is stirring, I will pray that they will go back to sleep with a paci so I can sleep maybe another half hour… selfish, I know…but for sanity purposes, I promise.

10. There will be times where I don’t step outside all week with all the things that need to be done at home & with their unpredictable nap times.

11. It drives me a little batty when they nap at different times, especially when one goes down the moment the other one is getting up.

12. I am jealous of how long my son’s eyelashes are.

13. I think I would go insane without my wonderful helper, Miss Ning. She is a true gift.  I can’t believe I thought that I would be okay with her coming only 3 hours a day…

14. I feel pinterest pressure to plan this elaborate first birthday party for the twinks.

15. I like to imagine what my children are saying when they talk my ear off with their jibber jabber.

16. Often times I don’t eat lunch until 2pm…  I’m just THAT busy.

17. I think one of the cutest things is when a baby sucks in their sleep (and has no paci or anything)

18.  Post-pregnancy hair loss makes me feel like I’m going to go bald any day.

19. Emma girl has so many layers of neck that I have to powder them so the layers don’t chafe on each other!

20. I crave chocolate cupcakes now that I’m nursing. I eat them in the middle of the night sometimes. :)

Lavish Love

I am awake a lot at night. Between a nighttime feeding and pumping several times, I spend a lot of time thinking and praying. I feel like it’s in those wee hours of the morning that God has more clearly than ever called my name and captured my heart. It has been a sweet time of communion as I have dived deeper into relationship with Him.

Christmas was such a sweet time. I have always loved Christmas, but this year it meant so much more. This year, the thought of a baby lying in a manger to save me brought tears to my eyes on several occasions. It is typically Easter season that brings me to tears… but Christmas was so much sweeter and perhaps even more meaningful as I contemplated the birth of my own babies this year.

I thought about God being so willing to send His son into the world only to have to surrender Him and subject Him to a rescue mission. How hard it must have been to give him up like that… His only child… to see him face tribulation and trail, to be rejected and scorned, to suffer immensely.  How willing would I be to surrender my children to such a plan for such wretched sinners!?

Being a mother has helped me to understand better God’s loves us. The tenderness that I feel for Owen and Emma is only a blip compared to the lavish love of our Father. It’s hard to even come to terms with that because I feel that my love is so great for them. But oh how He loves us and what a gift it is to get a better understanding of His love for us through motherhood.

“How deep the Father’s love for us

How vast beyond all measure

That He should give His only Son

To make a wretch His treasure…”

change

I don’t like change. It has never come easy to me, especially when I feel that it is forced upon me. The change from teacher to mother was an easy one because it was something that I desired; something I was mentally prepared for. However, the changes that have come due to being a mother have been harder for me. Namely, changes in relationships.

I’m having a hard time finding the balance. I used to be an initiator & pursuer… I would cook food, bake goods, write notes, make phone calls, send e-mails, send out dinner invites, etc. I think my friends really knew how much I appreciated and wanted to walk alongside them in life. Things have obviously changed since the birth of the twins. It has changed the amount of time I have, where I invest, how much cooking/baking/card making/email writing I do, etc.

 It’s hard because there are TWO babies vying for my attention. I can’t just go out on a quick errand or a smoothie date and leave both of them with Mike… or else I will come home to two crying babies and an upset husband. I know how hard it is to juggle two screaming babies alone and I wouldn’t wish that upon my husband for sanity sake. And I guess I haven’t quite grasped or grieved the loss of how much being a mother (particularly to twins) has rocked my world and my friendships.

How do I find time for my friends to let them know they are loved and appreciated when I can hardly find a moment for myself? (And when I do find a moment for myself, I just want to close my eyes for a quick nap before a baby is up and needs to changed/burped/fed/rocked). Part of me feels frustrated when I think they don’t understand how busy my life is now. But the other part of me feels frustrated that I can’t be as involved in their lives.

Getting out is harder with such a “scheduled” day. Spontaneously getting together is quite impossible, especially if I need a babysitter. Some friends do it well… they have taken the initiative to say, “I’m coming over. I’ll hold a baby and we can talk and visit… we’ll get distracted but at least we’ll get to spend a little time together.” I suppose it just takes a lot of purposeful planning, a lot of intentionality & flexibility, and perhaps a bit of sacrifice. I think it also requires some adapting on everyone's behalf. I just wish it were easier.