change

I don’t like change. It has never come easy to me, especially when I feel that it is forced upon me. The change from teacher to mother was an easy one because it was something that I desired; something I was mentally prepared for. However, the changes that have come due to being a mother have been harder for me. Namely, changes in relationships.

I’m having a hard time finding the balance. I used to be an initiator & pursuer… I would cook food, bake goods, write notes, make phone calls, send e-mails, send out dinner invites, etc. I think my friends really knew how much I appreciated and wanted to walk alongside them in life. Things have obviously changed since the birth of the twins. It has changed the amount of time I have, where I invest, how much cooking/baking/card making/email writing I do, etc.

 It’s hard because there are TWO babies vying for my attention. I can’t just go out on a quick errand or a smoothie date and leave both of them with Mike… or else I will come home to two crying babies and an upset husband. I know how hard it is to juggle two screaming babies alone and I wouldn’t wish that upon my husband for sanity sake. And I guess I haven’t quite grasped or grieved the loss of how much being a mother (particularly to twins) has rocked my world and my friendships.

How do I find time for my friends to let them know they are loved and appreciated when I can hardly find a moment for myself? (And when I do find a moment for myself, I just want to close my eyes for a quick nap before a baby is up and needs to changed/burped/fed/rocked). Part of me feels frustrated when I think they don’t understand how busy my life is now. But the other part of me feels frustrated that I can’t be as involved in their lives.

Getting out is harder with such a “scheduled” day. Spontaneously getting together is quite impossible, especially if I need a babysitter. Some friends do it well… they have taken the initiative to say, “I’m coming over. I’ll hold a baby and we can talk and visit… we’ll get distracted but at least we’ll get to spend a little time together.” I suppose it just takes a lot of purposeful planning, a lot of intentionality & flexibility, and perhaps a bit of sacrifice. I think it also requires some adapting on everyone's behalf. I just wish it were easier.