I am literally in tears as I write this, for my heart grieves at its own sinfulness. Instead of showing compassion towards two students that annoy me, I simply have feel irritated and angered by them. I am angry that they aren't responsible enough to tell me that were going to miss class (a pre-scheduled absence). I am angry that they didn't come ask me what their homework is after having arrived late to school and missing my class... especially when they have a test tomorrow. I am angry thinking about them coming to class tomorrow saying, "Well, I didn't remember there was a test, I can't take the test! That's not fair!" I am angry that their culture/religion does not respect women and sees them merely as objects. I am angry that they are in my class because they are lazy and disrespectful, and they negatively affect the rest of the class.
My anger has blinded me to such a degree that when God has laid it on my heart to pray specifically for them, my heart becomes hard. And thoughts like: "Why should I pray for them? They will never change. Serves them right if they fail the test! Who are they to treat women like that? Who are they to "waste" my time and energy?" Isn't that gross? It brings me to tears to think that I have such ugly thoughts and intentions. It brings me to tears that I have been so good at pointing the finger back at them, when it has really a heart issue for me.
Why do I underestimate you God? Why do I doubt your ability to change people... including myself? I know that you are able to do far greater than anything that I could ever think or imagine! So, Lord, I pray that you would RIP OUT this unfaithful, sinful, ugly, wandering heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh. I pray that you would burn away the dross and radically refine me. Give me a heart that seeks after you, that loves you, that loves LIKE you. Manifest within me a heart that joyfully prays, that feels a burden for the lost (specifically these two students), and that desires to teach ALL students no matter their background. God, grant me a spirit of gentleness, of self-control, and of patience. Magnify the fruits of the spirit within me. Point me back to the gospel. Point me back to the cross, and help me to keep my eyes fixed only on you, Lord! Thank you for my students, thank you for the diverse population at ICS, and for the opportunity that I have to minister to these students and to be your light in a dark, dark place.
"Prone to wander, Lord I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love. Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it, seal it for they courts above..."
Dearest Karly, thank you for your transparent heart! Somehow, God takes your willingness to share "the ugly," and He uses it to humble and inspire and challenge us...so thank you! May we delight in knowing that He is using us in this place -- and it's so totally NOT because we are worthy! Grateful to know you, friend.
ReplyDeleteDear Mike & Karly,
ReplyDeleteI'm so excited that I discovered how I could post a reply - at least I think I have! (I'm definitely not from the computer generation.) Although I don't always get to it every day, I love reading your blog and hearing how God is using you guys, and most of all how you are allowing Him to. It's been a big blessing to this household! Your blog today warmed my heart Karly. Somehow I'm drawn to Christians that aren't afraid to expose their hearts to others. Perhaps because there is something so appealing about Christians that don't pretend to be perfect. I believe your willingness to be honest about your shortcomings (for we all fall short of the mark) is a blessing to God, as well as to others.
You and Mike are in our thoughts and prayers. We love you both!
Thanks for all the time and effort you put into your blog - it's so fun to follow along and learn new things!
Love & Prayers, Aunt Dianne
Oh Karly, I think it is wonderful that you are so sensitive to God's Spirit speaking to you. I pray that you are able to forgive these students for disrespecting you simply because you are a woman. It's amazing how painful that is. I pray that you will remain in the Lord in order to love them. What's that verse in 1 John... oh yeah, vs. 16 "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him." I hope you know God's love for you because it's through that love that you can love these students.
ReplyDeleteRemain in His love!
I love you!
Leah
karly,
ReplyDeleteas ugly as it is to realize the ugliness that you're capable of, it's also a moment to rejoice in recognizing God's grace and goodness in us. i know that i've definately had those moments too-- and it's a terrible, difficult thing to face... but God is good, and it is because of those moments that we can have joy in who He is. psalm 51 brings me a lot of strength. i'm sorry things are so difficult for you right now. i'll be praying for you. i miss you in minnesota!!!!
-kelly
Karly,
ReplyDeleteI wish we all had "arrived" in our walk with Jesus but it is a continual growing experience, as you so aptly put it. Thanks for sharing your heart!
Love you,
Cathy
Thank you all for such encouraging messages. I so appreciate your love and prayers. We miss you all, and think and pray for you often. (Except you, Holly... we don't miss you since we are blessed to see you practically every day!) :)
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