Confessions:

1.     Sometimes I will take half hour showers when I can because I don’t always know when my next shower will be. I also just like the alone time with no child attached to me.

2.     I love that Owen is older. I think older brothers are cuter than older sisters because a) I grew up with older brothers  b) older sisters have the “reputation” of just being plain bossy and c) older brothers have the “reputation” of being protective of their younger sisters.

3.     I think Owen is a stud

4.     Emma’s small porcelain doll lips, dainty little chin and tiny ballerina feet compared to her massive cheeks, double chin, cankle rolls and huge thighs make me laugh every day.

5.     I love that my little baby boy loves to snuggle and that his tender heart is evident when he cries or pouts when his sister is legitimately crying.

6.     Mike ran an errand the other day and left me home alone with two babies (one of which was sleeping). When he came home, both of them were screaming their heads off and I was just laughing… because really, it was just a ridiculous situation.

7.     I probably take at least 20 pics and 2-3 videos a day of Owen and Emma

8.     I find myself doing the most ridiculous things to get them to laugh.

9.     Sometimes when a child is stirring, I will pray that they will go back to sleep with a paci so I can sleep maybe another half hour… selfish, I know…but for sanity purposes, I promise.

10. There will be times where I don’t step outside all week with all the things that need to be done at home & with their unpredictable nap times.

11. It drives me a little batty when they nap at different times, especially when one goes down the moment the other one is getting up.

12. I am jealous of how long my son’s eyelashes are.

13. I think I would go insane without my wonderful helper, Miss Ning. She is a true gift.  I can’t believe I thought that I would be okay with her coming only 3 hours a day…

14. I feel pinterest pressure to plan this elaborate first birthday party for the twinks.

15. I like to imagine what my children are saying when they talk my ear off with their jibber jabber.

16. Often times I don’t eat lunch until 2pm…  I’m just THAT busy.

17. I think one of the cutest things is when a baby sucks in their sleep (and has no paci or anything)

18.  Post-pregnancy hair loss makes me feel like I’m going to go bald any day.

19. Emma girl has so many layers of neck that I have to powder them so the layers don’t chafe on each other!

20. I crave chocolate cupcakes now that I’m nursing. I eat them in the middle of the night sometimes. :)

Lavish Love

I am awake a lot at night. Between a nighttime feeding and pumping several times, I spend a lot of time thinking and praying. I feel like it’s in those wee hours of the morning that God has more clearly than ever called my name and captured my heart. It has been a sweet time of communion as I have dived deeper into relationship with Him.

Christmas was such a sweet time. I have always loved Christmas, but this year it meant so much more. This year, the thought of a baby lying in a manger to save me brought tears to my eyes on several occasions. It is typically Easter season that brings me to tears… but Christmas was so much sweeter and perhaps even more meaningful as I contemplated the birth of my own babies this year.

I thought about God being so willing to send His son into the world only to have to surrender Him and subject Him to a rescue mission. How hard it must have been to give him up like that… His only child… to see him face tribulation and trail, to be rejected and scorned, to suffer immensely.  How willing would I be to surrender my children to such a plan for such wretched sinners!?

Being a mother has helped me to understand better God’s loves us. The tenderness that I feel for Owen and Emma is only a blip compared to the lavish love of our Father. It’s hard to even come to terms with that because I feel that my love is so great for them. But oh how He loves us and what a gift it is to get a better understanding of His love for us through motherhood.

“How deep the Father’s love for us

How vast beyond all measure

That He should give His only Son

To make a wretch His treasure…”

change

I don’t like change. It has never come easy to me, especially when I feel that it is forced upon me. The change from teacher to mother was an easy one because it was something that I desired; something I was mentally prepared for. However, the changes that have come due to being a mother have been harder for me. Namely, changes in relationships.

I’m having a hard time finding the balance. I used to be an initiator & pursuer… I would cook food, bake goods, write notes, make phone calls, send e-mails, send out dinner invites, etc. I think my friends really knew how much I appreciated and wanted to walk alongside them in life. Things have obviously changed since the birth of the twins. It has changed the amount of time I have, where I invest, how much cooking/baking/card making/email writing I do, etc.

 It’s hard because there are TWO babies vying for my attention. I can’t just go out on a quick errand or a smoothie date and leave both of them with Mike… or else I will come home to two crying babies and an upset husband. I know how hard it is to juggle two screaming babies alone and I wouldn’t wish that upon my husband for sanity sake. And I guess I haven’t quite grasped or grieved the loss of how much being a mother (particularly to twins) has rocked my world and my friendships.

How do I find time for my friends to let them know they are loved and appreciated when I can hardly find a moment for myself? (And when I do find a moment for myself, I just want to close my eyes for a quick nap before a baby is up and needs to changed/burped/fed/rocked). Part of me feels frustrated when I think they don’t understand how busy my life is now. But the other part of me feels frustrated that I can’t be as involved in their lives.

Getting out is harder with such a “scheduled” day. Spontaneously getting together is quite impossible, especially if I need a babysitter. Some friends do it well… they have taken the initiative to say, “I’m coming over. I’ll hold a baby and we can talk and visit… we’ll get distracted but at least we’ll get to spend a little time together.” I suppose it just takes a lot of purposeful planning, a lot of intentionality & flexibility, and perhaps a bit of sacrifice. I think it also requires some adapting on everyone's behalf. I just wish it were easier.