I found this post sitting in my drafts from April! Thought I would add to it and finally post!
So today I was asked by another mother if my children were sleeping through the night. I know hers have slept through the night practically since birth so I knew what was coming...the comparisons,the judgement, the "you're a bad mother" looks. I answered truthfully; they still get up. Sometimes it is just at 5 am, sometimes it's at 11, 2 & 5...I never know what it will be. It depends on their needs, how much they ate before bed, if they are having a growth spurt, etc. Anyway, I got the sympathetic yet slightly judgmental pause with an "ooh...they should be sleeping through the night by now" response. And suddenly I found myself swirling in a world of motherhood doubt. Should they be sleeping through the night?! Stupid. I let one measly comment make me second guess the needs of my children. MY CHILDREN. The children that no one else knows better than me except for the one who created them. So judge away all you want, but I have decided not to really care and not take off hand comments or unwelcome suggestions seriously or personally.
There are so many different parenting methods out there and really, none of them work well unless you know youself and your limits, as well as the needs of your child. I am finding that what works for Owen does not work for Emma; they are individuals with different needs. Clearly, if anything, that demonstrates the necessity to know your child.
So perhaps instead of being quick to judge others for how they decide to parent or how their child behaves, or quick to offer unsolicited "words of wisdom," maybe see what doors open if you just ask how their heart is doing or how you could pray for them. Because really, if that mom had just asked me how things were going, I would have told her they weren't sleeping through the night had I thought it was a problem.
Great post, Karly! You have an advantage that most first time moms won't experience until they have birthed or adopted child #2: every child is different and there is no exact "normal" for all kids across the board. All of my babies needed different techniques for bedtime, eating and the like. We need to learn to embrace these differences and be very aware of each child's needs. It serves them best as they grow and enter the outside world, when we know what they need as an individual .
ReplyDeleteNext time someone asks if your babies are sleeping through the night, just say, "Yes, on a good night when there is no pain from teething, growing limbs or hungry tummies." =) Oh and sleeping until 5 am IS sleeping through the night for babies.
I think the biggest thing I take away from all of the unsolicited advice and the seeming judgement, is to try my best to not do that to other moms. Do I fail, yes, but I do my best to speak up only when asked or if something comes up in conversation, reassure the other mom that all pregnancies and each baby or child is different. So while I might encourage a mom to try something, there is no condemnation or judgement from me if that suggestion just doesn't work for them.
We as moms HAVE to STOP treating one another as if every other mom needs to be "JUST LIKE ME".
Thanks again, Karly. You are doing a great job and your babies are thriving!!
Love,
Heidi