Thoughts from an adoptee

My beautiful friend, Holly, wrote this remarkable blog post on being an adopted Korean-American, growing up in California, but currently residing in Asia...and what that means, how it feels, etc. As I read her post, I found myself literally saying aloud, "Yeah!! That's totally how it is!" She so eloquently expressed things for which I simply did not have words.

One of the first things that Holly asked me after the birth of Owen and Emma was, "So how does it feel to have your first blood relations?" Deep. I hadn't really sorted through the raw emotion of it at the time, but since then I've unpacked more of what it means to me, a fellow adopted Korean-American.

Adoption is a beautiful thing. Families are made and babies are not aborted or entirely abandoned. However, it is not without its issues no matter how well families address them.  It took going to counseling for me to really understand the impact that adoption has had on me. I struggled; namely with abandonment and self-esteem issues, which manifested in seeking attention, control and security. I also struggled, as many adoptees tend to, with over attachment and under attachment issues as well, which swung like a pendulum through the years.

Due to being adopted myself, adoption has honestly never been something I have been drawn to. Maybe my heart will change but I think it is, like many things, a calling...and one that I simply do not currently feel called to. Some might say that I would understand adoptee issues well, but I think there is a part of me that fears having to continue to deal with them, just on a different level. That being said, it has always been really really important to me to have my own biological children.

So how does it feel to have my first biological relations in my midst? Amazing. Amazing to love and hold them from birth. Amazing to have them recognize me and attach to me emotionally. Amazing to see both Mike and me in them. Amazing to see characteristics or personality traits of Mike and me. Amazing... Simply amazing.

And then there is a part of me that is so enormously relieved. Relieved  to know that they won't be asked, "Where's your REAL family" or " Who's your REAL mom?" Yeah..try dealing with that as a kindergartener! That they (hopefully) won't get mistaken as their sibling's significant other, or feel ashamed of the color of their hair and eyes or the shape of their eyes and nose. Relieved that they won't have peers ask them if they are a "commi" from North Korea. Relieved that when they look at family pictures, there won't be twinges of insecurity at being different. Relieved that they get to answer some of the family medical history questions at the doctor because they will actually know some of their medical history, albeit parts of it missing due to my lack of knowledge of my own family history.

So...as grateful for I am for the gift that adoption is to adoptees (including myself) and adopters, as an adoptee, having  biological children of my own is really truly one of the greatest gifts I could have ever been given.

Enamored

We just adore these two precious gifts!

7.5 months

Heartache in the midst of happiness

Yesterday was Mother's Day. I spent the day getting lavishly loved on by my husband and playing with my kiddos. It was wonderful. Yet my heart was heavy with grief in so many ways...aching for friends who are single and want to be married and start their own family, those who are walking the road of infertility and possibly undergoing painful procedures, for those (including myself) who have experienced miscarriage and unmet expectation, for friends who have lost their mother, for friends who are waiting and waiting to adopt, for the adopted and adoptees who sometimes hear the question, "But who's your REAL mom?"

 So as I scroll through Facebook and see several pregnancy announcements, pics of people with their own kids or mother... Know that if you are one of those people, you are beyond blessed. So squeeze your mother and your child, but remember to squeeze a friend who might be walking a difficult journey as well.