Praying for babies...

…an insight into my fears, but how it has caused me to pray and reflect on God’s desires for me…

So, apparently one of my students is praying that God would give Mike and me a baby.

His mom, a middle school teacher at the school, informed me of this the other day. Over break they had been talking about how many teachers/wives of teachers are pregnant and how many babies have been born recently. He was asking his mom why there have been/will be so many babies. Essentially, the average age population of teachers at this school is in-between 25-35, which is “the prime time” to have a baby. Upon discussing the age make-up of the teachers at ICS, my student then proceeded to say to his mom that he hoped that I would have a baby.

As she was relaying this story to me, I immediately asked, “Why? So I can take maternity leave or stop working for a while?” No, he simply just thinks I’d be a good mom. It’s funny to think about a 9th grade boy saying something like that.

So later that evening after their mother-son conversation about babies, my student then prayed aloud with his mother that God would give me a baby.

I laughed as she relayed this story to me and told her that he could stop praying that prayer. Her reply was, “Okay, well, maybe next month then.” HA! (To which I immediately responded, “MAYBE in 2-3 years… but I’m not sure”).

The conversation/his prayer has been running through my head all day though, and as I have thought about it time and time again, I was reminded of a conversation that I had with Dayton, a high school colleague of mine. During our conversation, Dayton was telling me about how God encouraged him to pray for not just a baby, but for twins. So he prayed for twins and twins were what he got. I revealed my heart to him, telling him that I wouldn’t have the courage or the faith to pray for something like that because there’s part of me that is afraid that I don’t want kids.

My biggest fear is feeling inadequate. I simply don’t feel like I would be a good mother. What if I mess them up by denying or giving them too much, loving them too little or too much, not listening enough, not being patient enough, not extending enough grace, being a push-over, not being able to admit that I’m sorry or wrong, or being too stubborn, bossy, arrogant, demanding or self-centered?

What if I don’t want to quit my job? So many moms in the ICS community stay home with their children and it makes me feel bad about not necessarily wanting to stay home… what does that say about me?? Does it mean that I value my job and money more than family? But what if I DO want to stay home… will I consider it pure joy to give up teaching Spanish to my high schoolers? Will I find contentment at home or will I feel bored/stuck/resentful/jealous? Am I stuck on what the world thinks and expects? Am I stuck on wondering if I will be the only one on both sides of the family that will bear children to make other family members grandparents, aunties, and uncles? Am I afraid of losing my flexibility and freedom/way of life as I know it? Yes to all of the above to a certain extent...

The one thing that Dayton said that really stuck out to me was simply to pray: not to pray for children (or twins), but pray that God would at least give me the desire to one day have children if that is what He wants. That He would make it abundantly clear to me what His desires for me are, that He would soften my heart, bring about peace, and that I would be obedient to Him. (Dayton didn’t necessarily WANT twins, but was obedient to God asking him to pray for twins… and now has two lovely little girls that he loves dearly).

When I was little I always imagined that I would get married and have children, but just being a teacher presents its own challenges. Challenges in discipline (I know, I know, they aren’t MY kids so it’s different… so everyone says), loving the unlovable, extending grace, being patient, forgiving, etc. so how would it be any better/easier with my own child? I think it’s hard to want to be a parent when you’re a teacher for a few main reasons: 1) you spend your entire day with children, why would you want to come home to more (that is, if you decide to continue working) 2) you know how naughty they can be and you VOW that your kid wouldn’t be one of those kids… and you even cross out certain names from your baby name list because you had a naughty student named so-and-so before so you couldn’t possibly give you child that name 3) you are acutely aware of all the things that your student’s parents do/don’t do and you VOW never to be like so-and-so…but what if you are? Because if you are or ever were a teacher, at one point in time or another, I bet you’ve been afraid and you've wondered if you are/will be one or a combo of the following types of parents:

a. Helicopter/hovering parent
b. Over-bearing parent
c. I’m going to coddle you forever parent
d. Hands-off, I don’t care about you parent
e. Sure, go ahead and fail school parent
f. You must get straight A’s parent
g. You must be involved in every extra-curricular activity or else you will never be accepted into any university parent
h. You must go to an ivy league college school parent
i. Non-communicative parent
j. Overly-involved parent
k. I’m my kid’s best friend parent
l. Don’t tell my kid or me what to do parent
m. My child has a LD, but I’m not willing to admit it parent
n. It’s not my fault that my kid is failing, it’s the teacher’s fault parent
o. My kid has more control over me than I do him/her and they trample me parent
p. Worry about everything parent
q. Be who you are/do what you want/it’s a free country parent
r. Rule/behavior oriented parent
s. I give up on you parent
t. Control-freak parent

But while you’re busy vowing not to be one of those parents, vowing that your child would never be one of those kids, or vowing that you would never name your child one of those names… do you turn into "Parent P”: the worry about everything parent?

I was telling my friend Holly about my student’s prayer for me to have a child and the first thing that she asked was, “Has it kind of softened your heart [towards having children]?” My immediate response was no. However, as I have had time to reflect upon it today, I think I would change my answer…. I think it has softened my heart to begin to think more and perhaps act upon what Dayton encouraged me to pray about.

I’ll be honest and say that I already read Christian parenting books. Weird? Maybe. I’m in the middle of reading this book called, “Shepherding a Child’s Heart.” I read these types of books mainly because in many ways, being a teacher is similar to parenting. Maybe subconsciously there’s part of me that hopes that there is the slightest possibility that God would maybe change me through them too though…?!

I’ll also be honest and say that that I haven’t really been praying about what Dayton encouraged me to pray about. I haven’t been praying about God giving me any peace or desire in the matter; I’ve simply pushed it out of my mind… because it’s easier that way. It’s easier to keep telling people 2-3 more years when the “when are you going to have a baby” question comes up, instead of saying, “Actually, I don’t really know if I ever want to be a parent” and then answering the long list of "why" questions that follow. It’s also easier to keep saying 2-3 more years, even when 2-3 years has already passed. It’s easier to say 2-3 more years and laugh it off than to pray for/about something that terrifies you.

I am confident that God never gives us more than we can handle, and maybe God will never give me children because of my fears, my sin, and my lack of desire, or maybe He will change my heart… I don’t really know. However, I do know that He is Emmanuel, God with us, and that through Him all things are possible, and so whatever comes my way (children or no children), I know that He will abide in me. So here’s me... praying that God would soften my heart and reveal His good and perfect plan for me, and that I would find peace and contentment in His desires for me.