Thoughts from an adoptee

My beautiful friend, Holly, wrote this remarkable blog post on being an adopted Korean-American, growing up in California, but currently residing in Asia...and what that means, how it feels, etc. As I read her post, I found myself literally saying aloud, "Yeah!! That's totally how it is!" She so eloquently expressed things for which I simply did not have words.

One of the first things that Holly asked me after the birth of Owen and Emma was, "So how does it feel to have your first blood relations?" Deep. I hadn't really sorted through the raw emotion of it at the time, but since then I've unpacked more of what it means to me, a fellow adopted Korean-American.

Adoption is a beautiful thing. Families are made and babies are not aborted or entirely abandoned. However, it is not without its issues no matter how well families address them.  It took going to counseling for me to really understand the impact that adoption has had on me. I struggled; namely with abandonment and self-esteem issues, which manifested in seeking attention, control and security. I also struggled, as many adoptees tend to, with over attachment and under attachment issues as well, which swung like a pendulum through the years.

Due to being adopted myself, adoption has honestly never been something I have been drawn to. Maybe my heart will change but I think it is, like many things, a calling...and one that I simply do not currently feel called to. Some might say that I would understand adoptee issues well, but I think there is a part of me that fears having to continue to deal with them, just on a different level. That being said, it has always been really really important to me to have my own biological children.

So how does it feel to have my first biological relations in my midst? Amazing. Amazing to love and hold them from birth. Amazing to have them recognize me and attach to me emotionally. Amazing to see both Mike and me in them. Amazing to see characteristics or personality traits of Mike and me. Amazing... Simply amazing.

And then there is a part of me that is so enormously relieved. Relieved  to know that they won't be asked, "Where's your REAL family" or " Who's your REAL mom?" Yeah..try dealing with that as a kindergartener! That they (hopefully) won't get mistaken as their sibling's significant other, or feel ashamed of the color of their hair and eyes or the shape of their eyes and nose. Relieved that they won't have peers ask them if they are a "commi" from North Korea. Relieved that when they look at family pictures, there won't be twinges of insecurity at being different. Relieved that they get to answer some of the family medical history questions at the doctor because they will actually know some of their medical history, albeit parts of it missing due to my lack of knowledge of my own family history.

So...as grateful for I am for the gift that adoption is to adoptees (including myself) and adopters, as an adoptee, having  biological children of my own is really truly one of the greatest gifts I could have ever been given.

Enamored

We just adore these two precious gifts!

7.5 months

Heartache in the midst of happiness

Yesterday was Mother's Day. I spent the day getting lavishly loved on by my husband and playing with my kiddos. It was wonderful. Yet my heart was heavy with grief in so many ways...aching for friends who are single and want to be married and start their own family, those who are walking the road of infertility and possibly undergoing painful procedures, for those (including myself) who have experienced miscarriage and unmet expectation, for friends who have lost their mother, for friends who are waiting and waiting to adopt, for the adopted and adoptees who sometimes hear the question, "But who's your REAL mom?"

 So as I scroll through Facebook and see several pregnancy announcements, pics of people with their own kids or mother... Know that if you are one of those people, you are beyond blessed. So squeeze your mother and your child, but remember to squeeze a friend who might be walking a difficult journey as well.

Confessions #2

Yes, we're still alive... I got irritated with blogger since I had typed out a really long blog post and then it didn't save. So I took...ahem...a two month hiatus. That and I had a big card sale that I had to get ready for, so I was busy stamping. The husband just recently had shoulder surgery, so that changed life dramatically since he hasn't been able to lift, bear weight, or even really move his arm. And then life with twins is just a bit crazy, particularly now that they are getting more into things, are more alert and opinionated as well, and just plain get bored if I don't give them a bit more structure in their day. Anyway, here's a new confessions post.

 1. I NEVER thought I'd be a stay at home mom...EVER.
2. I hate pumping. Sometimes I'd rather skip it and just wait (and burst) to nurse. I especially hate waking up multiple times in the middle of the night to pump so I'll set myself up so I can fall asleep during those times.
3. Every night, I usually have the desire to stay up much later than necessary because I want time to myself after getting all the "evening must do's" done.
4. Emma spit up the other day and I almost puked at the smell of it.
5. I can't wait for Emma's hair to grow longer so people will stop asking "Which one's the girl?"
6. I often lift Owen over my head and "pulse" him to get an arm workout...that's how I plan on getting my arms in shape.i
7. I accidentally tried a drop or two of my milk once.
8. I think Owen is going to be a real heart throb with those long eyelashes, infectious laugh and cute smile.
9. I rock my kids to sleep...go ahead and judge me if you want, but they are only young once and I am going to soak every second of it up.
10. I love that Owen loves blankies...he's my "little Linus"
11. I don't miss teaching...at all.
12. I am addicted to Pinterest for good ideas on how to entertain, stimulate and educate my babies...sometimes I think I would get stuck in a rut otherwise.
13. I hate cutting baby fingernails. I feel like I do it every other day. I hate it!
14. It irritates me when people constantly ask me what I feed my babies because they have so many rolls. So I have big babies. have you never seen a big baby before? I am always tempted to give some snarky reply. I can't help it; my babies are healthy and love my milk...and my milk is apparently whole milk. I get even more irritated when the same people ask me that question each time they see me...as if it is a great conversations starter or something. Seriously.
15. I am completely terrified of flying 23+ hours with the twins back to Minnesota this summer. Terrified, I tell you. So if any of you have advice on flying with 8 month old, crabby teething babies, and then helping them get over jet lag, please let me know your tricks...I will be forever grateful.

Confessions:

1.     Sometimes I will take half hour showers when I can because I don’t always know when my next shower will be. I also just like the alone time with no child attached to me.

2.     I love that Owen is older. I think older brothers are cuter than older sisters because a) I grew up with older brothers  b) older sisters have the “reputation” of just being plain bossy and c) older brothers have the “reputation” of being protective of their younger sisters.

3.     I think Owen is a stud

4.     Emma’s small porcelain doll lips, dainty little chin and tiny ballerina feet compared to her massive cheeks, double chin, cankle rolls and huge thighs make me laugh every day.

5.     I love that my little baby boy loves to snuggle and that his tender heart is evident when he cries or pouts when his sister is legitimately crying.

6.     Mike ran an errand the other day and left me home alone with two babies (one of which was sleeping). When he came home, both of them were screaming their heads off and I was just laughing… because really, it was just a ridiculous situation.

7.     I probably take at least 20 pics and 2-3 videos a day of Owen and Emma

8.     I find myself doing the most ridiculous things to get them to laugh.

9.     Sometimes when a child is stirring, I will pray that they will go back to sleep with a paci so I can sleep maybe another half hour… selfish, I know…but for sanity purposes, I promise.

10. There will be times where I don’t step outside all week with all the things that need to be done at home & with their unpredictable nap times.

11. It drives me a little batty when they nap at different times, especially when one goes down the moment the other one is getting up.

12. I am jealous of how long my son’s eyelashes are.

13. I think I would go insane without my wonderful helper, Miss Ning. She is a true gift.  I can’t believe I thought that I would be okay with her coming only 3 hours a day…

14. I feel pinterest pressure to plan this elaborate first birthday party for the twinks.

15. I like to imagine what my children are saying when they talk my ear off with their jibber jabber.

16. Often times I don’t eat lunch until 2pm…  I’m just THAT busy.

17. I think one of the cutest things is when a baby sucks in their sleep (and has no paci or anything)

18.  Post-pregnancy hair loss makes me feel like I’m going to go bald any day.

19. Emma girl has so many layers of neck that I have to powder them so the layers don’t chafe on each other!

20. I crave chocolate cupcakes now that I’m nursing. I eat them in the middle of the night sometimes. :)

Lavish Love

I am awake a lot at night. Between a nighttime feeding and pumping several times, I spend a lot of time thinking and praying. I feel like it’s in those wee hours of the morning that God has more clearly than ever called my name and captured my heart. It has been a sweet time of communion as I have dived deeper into relationship with Him.

Christmas was such a sweet time. I have always loved Christmas, but this year it meant so much more. This year, the thought of a baby lying in a manger to save me brought tears to my eyes on several occasions. It is typically Easter season that brings me to tears… but Christmas was so much sweeter and perhaps even more meaningful as I contemplated the birth of my own babies this year.

I thought about God being so willing to send His son into the world only to have to surrender Him and subject Him to a rescue mission. How hard it must have been to give him up like that… His only child… to see him face tribulation and trail, to be rejected and scorned, to suffer immensely.  How willing would I be to surrender my children to such a plan for such wretched sinners!?

Being a mother has helped me to understand better God’s loves us. The tenderness that I feel for Owen and Emma is only a blip compared to the lavish love of our Father. It’s hard to even come to terms with that because I feel that my love is so great for them. But oh how He loves us and what a gift it is to get a better understanding of His love for us through motherhood.

“How deep the Father’s love for us

How vast beyond all measure

That He should give His only Son

To make a wretch His treasure…”

change

I don’t like change. It has never come easy to me, especially when I feel that it is forced upon me. The change from teacher to mother was an easy one because it was something that I desired; something I was mentally prepared for. However, the changes that have come due to being a mother have been harder for me. Namely, changes in relationships.

I’m having a hard time finding the balance. I used to be an initiator & pursuer… I would cook food, bake goods, write notes, make phone calls, send e-mails, send out dinner invites, etc. I think my friends really knew how much I appreciated and wanted to walk alongside them in life. Things have obviously changed since the birth of the twins. It has changed the amount of time I have, where I invest, how much cooking/baking/card making/email writing I do, etc.

 It’s hard because there are TWO babies vying for my attention. I can’t just go out on a quick errand or a smoothie date and leave both of them with Mike… or else I will come home to two crying babies and an upset husband. I know how hard it is to juggle two screaming babies alone and I wouldn’t wish that upon my husband for sanity sake. And I guess I haven’t quite grasped or grieved the loss of how much being a mother (particularly to twins) has rocked my world and my friendships.

How do I find time for my friends to let them know they are loved and appreciated when I can hardly find a moment for myself? (And when I do find a moment for myself, I just want to close my eyes for a quick nap before a baby is up and needs to changed/burped/fed/rocked). Part of me feels frustrated when I think they don’t understand how busy my life is now. But the other part of me feels frustrated that I can’t be as involved in their lives.

Getting out is harder with such a “scheduled” day. Spontaneously getting together is quite impossible, especially if I need a babysitter. Some friends do it well… they have taken the initiative to say, “I’m coming over. I’ll hold a baby and we can talk and visit… we’ll get distracted but at least we’ll get to spend a little time together.” I suppose it just takes a lot of purposeful planning, a lot of intentionality & flexibility, and perhaps a bit of sacrifice. I think it also requires some adapting on everyone's behalf. I just wish it were easier.

Ahead or behind??

It's not even December and I've ordered my Christmas card/birth announcement with shutterfly. Win! However, the twins are already 2 months old today... hmmm...

Stationery card

View the entire collection of cards.

Funnoying part 2

Remember THIS post on "Funnoying" things? Well here's part 2!

1. One thing I forgot to mention in part 1 when I was still pregnant:
Person: When are you due?
Me: October 20 is 40 weeks, but twins generally come early, so we're anticipating the end of September or early October.
Person: Oh! My birthday is October 28 (or whatever day), you should shoot for that day!

...Seriously? What part of end of September or early October do you not understand? This actually happened SEVERAL times.

2. I've been thoroughly surprised at how many people have asked us if our twins are identical. Clearly, we have no concept of basic biology, as boy parts and girl bits are quite different! Additionally, if you even take one glance at O & E, they look very different. Sometimes I want to make some snarky remark, but generally end up saying, "Well, they actually can't be identical because one is a boy and the other a girl." Which often times has resulted in an, "Oh really?" {sigh}. A friend of my mother-in-law had twins and she made me laugh when she said that people would ask her if her twins were identical or nocturnal (instead of fraternal). HA! Maybe a little nocturnal. :)

3. When Emma is clearly wearing pink and perhaps even a bow in her hair and people ask me who's who. Granted, we live in a country where men will often wear pink, but still...

4. When people who I don't even know want to touch or hold my children. There was a couple at church that I've never seen before that came up to us and said they wanted a picture of them. No introduction, no real greeting, no hand washing. But they didn't just want a picture of them, they wanted a picture of THEM holding the babies. How do I say no when they are holding their arms out reaching for my preemie-sized babies?  I'm getting better about saying no and asking demanding that people wash their hands. We're starting to be those people that constantly keep their kids in snug baby carriers, practically making them overheat, so that people won't touch them.

5. It's amazing to me just how much attention we get from people because of having twins. I've never been stared at, pointed at, smiled at, or laughed at more in my life. I've also never had so many people hoard around me, particularly at church or school. I've learned that if I have a baby with me, that getting somewhere (even just to go see Mike at school) will take me about 2-3X longer because I constantly get stopped.

6. Many Thai people seem quite concerned with image... if you go to a department store, many of the workers will be off in the corner with a mirror putting on make-up or fixing their hair, etc. Owen had a bit of baby acne for the first month and I felt like so many people had to point that out to me. Additionally, it was often, if not THE first thing that they would say about my little Owen. Not, "What a cute little nose" or "What fluffy hair he has" or "He has really long eyelashes" NOPE... it was always, "He has a rash" or "Can you do something about that?" {sigh} Good thing his cradle cap isn't too bad. Poor boy.

I'm sure these funnoying moment will only continue as they grow, so I'm confident this won't be the last "Funnoying" post.

Mug shot

These are Owen and Emma's passport pictures for the next five years of their life. Every time I look at them, I honestly laugh; Emma with her cute little smirk and Owen with his skeptical and serious face.

These pictures portray their personalities well, we think. From what we can tell... Emma is more outgoing and social. She loves face time, she smiles easily (and has from the beginning), coos a lot & adores being held. As you can tell, Emma, AKA "chubba cheeks" also loves her food . :) She is a champ of a nurser, but a horrible burper. We've been starting to give her gripe water (water with sodium bicarbonate and dill weed oil), which has helped her burp better and not be fussy by the end of the day (when all the gas accumulates).

Owen is our serious little man. He is harder to get a smile from (I know it's still early... I guess Emma is just an overachiever in the social arena) and I feel like every photo I snap of him, he has this slightly disgruntled, serious, or skeptical look on his face. He is a very content baby though and hardly ever cries. He is a horrible nurser... he likes to bite with his gums and whip his head from side to side while he snorts (we affectionately call him "snorty face") for a good 10 minutes before settling down to eat, and then he takes his sweet sweet time eating. He does this when fed by a bottle too, though not quite as much.

Mike and I joke about the difference between having a boy an a girl... Owen really only cries about 4 things: a dirty diaper, when he wants to be swaddled, is hungry, or when Emma the bully punches him in the face. Emma is more high maintenance. She cries when she's scared, when you don't quite have her in the right position, if her swaddle is too tight or too loose, when her swing stops moving, if she isn't being held, when she's hungry, if she can't see your face, if you're not laying close enough to her etc. etc. It's so interesting how two little beings that are raised in the same environment who are getting the same treatment, the same food, have the same parents etc. are so very very different. I love it.

They are sleeping well. I was scared by other parents into thinking that I'd only get an hour or so of consecutive sleep. I prayed for children that sleep well... and already at 6 weeks old, they are often doing 4-5 hour stretches at night. And since they are more or less on same schedule, most of that is overlap! We don't feel as sleep deprived as we thought we would, especially with twins. We've really been blessed.

Life is great. We love being parents and are having a lot of fun!

More pics and less words in the next post or two. :)