Heartache in the midst of happiness

Yesterday was Mother's Day. I spent the day getting lavishly loved on by my husband and playing with my kiddos. It was wonderful. Yet my heart was heavy with grief in so many ways...aching for friends who are single and want to be married and start their own family, those who are walking the road of infertility and possibly undergoing painful procedures, for those (including myself) who have experienced miscarriage and unmet expectation, for friends who have lost their mother, for friends who are waiting and waiting to adopt, for the adopted and adoptees who sometimes hear the question, "But who's your REAL mom?"

 So as I scroll through Facebook and see several pregnancy announcements, pics of people with their own kids or mother... Know that if you are one of those people, you are beyond blessed. So squeeze your mother and your child, but remember to squeeze a friend who might be walking a difficult journey as well.

Confessions #2

Yes, we're still alive... I got irritated with blogger since I had typed out a really long blog post and then it didn't save. So I took...ahem...a two month hiatus. That and I had a big card sale that I had to get ready for, so I was busy stamping. The husband just recently had shoulder surgery, so that changed life dramatically since he hasn't been able to lift, bear weight, or even really move his arm. And then life with twins is just a bit crazy, particularly now that they are getting more into things, are more alert and opinionated as well, and just plain get bored if I don't give them a bit more structure in their day. Anyway, here's a new confessions post.

 1. I NEVER thought I'd be a stay at home mom...EVER.
2. I hate pumping. Sometimes I'd rather skip it and just wait (and burst) to nurse. I especially hate waking up multiple times in the middle of the night to pump so I'll set myself up so I can fall asleep during those times.
3. Every night, I usually have the desire to stay up much later than necessary because I want time to myself after getting all the "evening must do's" done.
4. Emma spit up the other day and I almost puked at the smell of it.
5. I can't wait for Emma's hair to grow longer so people will stop asking "Which one's the girl?"
6. I often lift Owen over my head and "pulse" him to get an arm workout...that's how I plan on getting my arms in shape.i
7. I accidentally tried a drop or two of my milk once.
8. I think Owen is going to be a real heart throb with those long eyelashes, infectious laugh and cute smile.
9. I rock my kids to sleep...go ahead and judge me if you want, but they are only young once and I am going to soak every second of it up.
10. I love that Owen loves blankies...he's my "little Linus"
11. I don't miss teaching...at all.
12. I am addicted to Pinterest for good ideas on how to entertain, stimulate and educate my babies...sometimes I think I would get stuck in a rut otherwise.
13. I hate cutting baby fingernails. I feel like I do it every other day. I hate it!
14. It irritates me when people constantly ask me what I feed my babies because they have so many rolls. So I have big babies. have you never seen a big baby before? I am always tempted to give some snarky reply. I can't help it; my babies are healthy and love my milk...and my milk is apparently whole milk. I get even more irritated when the same people ask me that question each time they see me...as if it is a great conversations starter or something. Seriously.
15. I am completely terrified of flying 23+ hours with the twins back to Minnesota this summer. Terrified, I tell you. So if any of you have advice on flying with 8 month old, crabby teething babies, and then helping them get over jet lag, please let me know your tricks...I will be forever grateful.

Confessions:

1.     Sometimes I will take half hour showers when I can because I don’t always know when my next shower will be. I also just like the alone time with no child attached to me.

2.     I love that Owen is older. I think older brothers are cuter than older sisters because a) I grew up with older brothers  b) older sisters have the “reputation” of just being plain bossy and c) older brothers have the “reputation” of being protective of their younger sisters.

3.     I think Owen is a stud

4.     Emma’s small porcelain doll lips, dainty little chin and tiny ballerina feet compared to her massive cheeks, double chin, cankle rolls and huge thighs make me laugh every day.

5.     I love that my little baby boy loves to snuggle and that his tender heart is evident when he cries or pouts when his sister is legitimately crying.

6.     Mike ran an errand the other day and left me home alone with two babies (one of which was sleeping). When he came home, both of them were screaming their heads off and I was just laughing… because really, it was just a ridiculous situation.

7.     I probably take at least 20 pics and 2-3 videos a day of Owen and Emma

8.     I find myself doing the most ridiculous things to get them to laugh.

9.     Sometimes when a child is stirring, I will pray that they will go back to sleep with a paci so I can sleep maybe another half hour… selfish, I know…but for sanity purposes, I promise.

10. There will be times where I don’t step outside all week with all the things that need to be done at home & with their unpredictable nap times.

11. It drives me a little batty when they nap at different times, especially when one goes down the moment the other one is getting up.

12. I am jealous of how long my son’s eyelashes are.

13. I think I would go insane without my wonderful helper, Miss Ning. She is a true gift.  I can’t believe I thought that I would be okay with her coming only 3 hours a day…

14. I feel pinterest pressure to plan this elaborate first birthday party for the twinks.

15. I like to imagine what my children are saying when they talk my ear off with their jibber jabber.

16. Often times I don’t eat lunch until 2pm…  I’m just THAT busy.

17. I think one of the cutest things is when a baby sucks in their sleep (and has no paci or anything)

18.  Post-pregnancy hair loss makes me feel like I’m going to go bald any day.

19. Emma girl has so many layers of neck that I have to powder them so the layers don’t chafe on each other!

20. I crave chocolate cupcakes now that I’m nursing. I eat them in the middle of the night sometimes. :)

Lavish Love

I am awake a lot at night. Between a nighttime feeding and pumping several times, I spend a lot of time thinking and praying. I feel like it’s in those wee hours of the morning that God has more clearly than ever called my name and captured my heart. It has been a sweet time of communion as I have dived deeper into relationship with Him.

Christmas was such a sweet time. I have always loved Christmas, but this year it meant so much more. This year, the thought of a baby lying in a manger to save me brought tears to my eyes on several occasions. It is typically Easter season that brings me to tears… but Christmas was so much sweeter and perhaps even more meaningful as I contemplated the birth of my own babies this year.

I thought about God being so willing to send His son into the world only to have to surrender Him and subject Him to a rescue mission. How hard it must have been to give him up like that… His only child… to see him face tribulation and trail, to be rejected and scorned, to suffer immensely.  How willing would I be to surrender my children to such a plan for such wretched sinners!?

Being a mother has helped me to understand better God’s loves us. The tenderness that I feel for Owen and Emma is only a blip compared to the lavish love of our Father. It’s hard to even come to terms with that because I feel that my love is so great for them. But oh how He loves us and what a gift it is to get a better understanding of His love for us through motherhood.

“How deep the Father’s love for us

How vast beyond all measure

That He should give His only Son

To make a wretch His treasure…”

change

I don’t like change. It has never come easy to me, especially when I feel that it is forced upon me. The change from teacher to mother was an easy one because it was something that I desired; something I was mentally prepared for. However, the changes that have come due to being a mother have been harder for me. Namely, changes in relationships.

I’m having a hard time finding the balance. I used to be an initiator & pursuer… I would cook food, bake goods, write notes, make phone calls, send e-mails, send out dinner invites, etc. I think my friends really knew how much I appreciated and wanted to walk alongside them in life. Things have obviously changed since the birth of the twins. It has changed the amount of time I have, where I invest, how much cooking/baking/card making/email writing I do, etc.

 It’s hard because there are TWO babies vying for my attention. I can’t just go out on a quick errand or a smoothie date and leave both of them with Mike… or else I will come home to two crying babies and an upset husband. I know how hard it is to juggle two screaming babies alone and I wouldn’t wish that upon my husband for sanity sake. And I guess I haven’t quite grasped or grieved the loss of how much being a mother (particularly to twins) has rocked my world and my friendships.

How do I find time for my friends to let them know they are loved and appreciated when I can hardly find a moment for myself? (And when I do find a moment for myself, I just want to close my eyes for a quick nap before a baby is up and needs to changed/burped/fed/rocked). Part of me feels frustrated when I think they don’t understand how busy my life is now. But the other part of me feels frustrated that I can’t be as involved in their lives.

Getting out is harder with such a “scheduled” day. Spontaneously getting together is quite impossible, especially if I need a babysitter. Some friends do it well… they have taken the initiative to say, “I’m coming over. I’ll hold a baby and we can talk and visit… we’ll get distracted but at least we’ll get to spend a little time together.” I suppose it just takes a lot of purposeful planning, a lot of intentionality & flexibility, and perhaps a bit of sacrifice. I think it also requires some adapting on everyone's behalf. I just wish it were easier.

Ahead or behind??

It's not even December and I've ordered my Christmas card/birth announcement with shutterfly. Win! However, the twins are already 2 months old today... hmmm...

Stationery card

View the entire collection of cards.

Funnoying part 2

Remember THIS post on "Funnoying" things? Well here's part 2!

1. One thing I forgot to mention in part 1 when I was still pregnant:
Person: When are you due?
Me: October 20 is 40 weeks, but twins generally come early, so we're anticipating the end of September or early October.
Person: Oh! My birthday is October 28 (or whatever day), you should shoot for that day!

...Seriously? What part of end of September or early October do you not understand? This actually happened SEVERAL times.

2. I've been thoroughly surprised at how many people have asked us if our twins are identical. Clearly, we have no concept of basic biology, as boy parts and girl bits are quite different! Additionally, if you even take one glance at O & E, they look very different. Sometimes I want to make some snarky remark, but generally end up saying, "Well, they actually can't be identical because one is a boy and the other a girl." Which often times has resulted in an, "Oh really?" {sigh}. A friend of my mother-in-law had twins and she made me laugh when she said that people would ask her if her twins were identical or nocturnal (instead of fraternal). HA! Maybe a little nocturnal. :)

3. When Emma is clearly wearing pink and perhaps even a bow in her hair and people ask me who's who. Granted, we live in a country where men will often wear pink, but still...

4. When people who I don't even know want to touch or hold my children. There was a couple at church that I've never seen before that came up to us and said they wanted a picture of them. No introduction, no real greeting, no hand washing. But they didn't just want a picture of them, they wanted a picture of THEM holding the babies. How do I say no when they are holding their arms out reaching for my preemie-sized babies?  I'm getting better about saying no and asking demanding that people wash their hands. We're starting to be those people that constantly keep their kids in snug baby carriers, practically making them overheat, so that people won't touch them.

5. It's amazing to me just how much attention we get from people because of having twins. I've never been stared at, pointed at, smiled at, or laughed at more in my life. I've also never had so many people hoard around me, particularly at church or school. I've learned that if I have a baby with me, that getting somewhere (even just to go see Mike at school) will take me about 2-3X longer because I constantly get stopped.

6. Many Thai people seem quite concerned with image... if you go to a department store, many of the workers will be off in the corner with a mirror putting on make-up or fixing their hair, etc. Owen had a bit of baby acne for the first month and I felt like so many people had to point that out to me. Additionally, it was often, if not THE first thing that they would say about my little Owen. Not, "What a cute little nose" or "What fluffy hair he has" or "He has really long eyelashes" NOPE... it was always, "He has a rash" or "Can you do something about that?" {sigh} Good thing his cradle cap isn't too bad. Poor boy.

I'm sure these funnoying moment will only continue as they grow, so I'm confident this won't be the last "Funnoying" post.

Mug shot

These are Owen and Emma's passport pictures for the next five years of their life. Every time I look at them, I honestly laugh; Emma with her cute little smirk and Owen with his skeptical and serious face.

These pictures portray their personalities well, we think. From what we can tell... Emma is more outgoing and social. She loves face time, she smiles easily (and has from the beginning), coos a lot & adores being held. As you can tell, Emma, AKA "chubba cheeks" also loves her food . :) She is a champ of a nurser, but a horrible burper. We've been starting to give her gripe water (water with sodium bicarbonate and dill weed oil), which has helped her burp better and not be fussy by the end of the day (when all the gas accumulates).

Owen is our serious little man. He is harder to get a smile from (I know it's still early... I guess Emma is just an overachiever in the social arena) and I feel like every photo I snap of him, he has this slightly disgruntled, serious, or skeptical look on his face. He is a very content baby though and hardly ever cries. He is a horrible nurser... he likes to bite with his gums and whip his head from side to side while he snorts (we affectionately call him "snorty face") for a good 10 minutes before settling down to eat, and then he takes his sweet sweet time eating. He does this when fed by a bottle too, though not quite as much.

Mike and I joke about the difference between having a boy an a girl... Owen really only cries about 4 things: a dirty diaper, when he wants to be swaddled, is hungry, or when Emma the bully punches him in the face. Emma is more high maintenance. She cries when she's scared, when you don't quite have her in the right position, if her swaddle is too tight or too loose, when her swing stops moving, if she isn't being held, when she's hungry, if she can't see your face, if you're not laying close enough to her etc. etc. It's so interesting how two little beings that are raised in the same environment who are getting the same treatment, the same food, have the same parents etc. are so very very different. I love it.

They are sleeping well. I was scared by other parents into thinking that I'd only get an hour or so of consecutive sleep. I prayed for children that sleep well... and already at 6 weeks old, they are often doing 4-5 hour stretches at night. And since they are more or less on same schedule, most of that is overlap! We don't feel as sleep deprived as we thought we would, especially with twins. We've really been blessed.

Life is great. We love being parents and are having a lot of fun!

More pics and less words in the next post or two. :)

Full hands and hearts.

These are some of my favorite pictures of Emma and Owen. They are just such sweet babies!!!

In our last ultrasound, they were positioned face to face, just like this. It makes me think they are telling each other sweet secrets. Mike jokes about the secret handshake that they'll have. I pray that they will be the best of friends!

It's amazing to me how quickly you forget how life was without your children. I feel like they have always been a part of me! It's also amazing to me how fierce your love is for them from the moment you set eyes on them... you don't even know them but you love them so intensely.

These two precious babies have captivated our hearts. Our hands and hearts are full. Our cups runneth over.

The end... well, more like the beginning. :)

We took a belly picture every week from 6 weeks until the very end. This was the last one we took. I took off the 5 and replaced it with a 6, but hoped I wouldn't make it to the 36 week picture with how uncomfortable & swollen I had become in just a matter of days.

By this time I had pregnancy induced hypertension. My blood pressure had sky rocketed & I was sporting wicked headaches, my body was retaining so much water it was hard to sit, to stand, to sleep, to go to the bathroom... to do anything comfortably. My ligaments were so stretched and painful & the babes were bulging out in my lower abdomen so much so that even clothing would hurt. Praise God that it was really only one week of feeling like this... really, the rest of my pregnancy was very very easy; I was so very blessed.

I had a 35.5 week appointment scheduled on Sunday the 23rd, and after having cried myself prior nights due to pain, I told Mike that if the ultrasound showed we had two 5 pound babies, I wanted them out! The ultrasound tech had a difficult time getting measurements because I would cry out in pain and squirm away as he passed over my ligaments & belly bulge, but was finally able to see that they were indeed at least 5 pounds each. Both were breach at the time, which automatically meant a c-section. I had been resigned to the fact that I would probably have a c-section, and in all honesty, at that time, I was so glad because it meant that they would be out that much sooner!

Fetal heart monitoring

So I pleaded with my doctor to do a c-section that day, to which he responded, "Cannot today. Maybe next week." I burst into tears... another whole week?! Mike calmed me down saying that he thought that next week meant "this week" to our doctor, which indeed it did. He asked if I wanted Tuesday or Wednesday and I firmly said, "Tomorrow. Tomorrow morning!!" (Monday)  I think he pitied me. :)

So we got things arranged at the hospital. We went home to get the hospital bag, get things in order, e-mailed friends and family, got the day off of work and returned to the hospital around midnight on Monday the 24th to check in and get prepped for the 6:45 AM c-section.

Don't let that smile fool you... I was so very uncomfortable but so very happy that they were going to come out in a matter of hours.

Peace out. On my way to the operating room.

Daddy getting ready too

I was given a spinal tap and felt nothing from about my chest down. Gotta love me some of those strooooong drugs!!

Getting cut open

Owen Michael was born at 6:57am weighing 5 lbs, 12 oz and 18.5 in. long. Emma Caroline was born 2 minutes later at 6:59am weighing 5 lbs, 2 oz. and measuring 17.9 in. Hearing their precious cries brought tears to my own eyes. How sweet it was...
 

Hooray!!! They're here!!! Owen on the left, Emma on the right. Please excuse my triple (or is it quadruple?) chin... I told you I had retained a lot of water!!

Both were wisked off to the NICU and put into incubators. Emma was placed in one simply because she was small, but Owen was immediately put into an incubator and given oxygen. He came out butt first, head down, which perhaps contributed to his rapid breathing. In the meantime, I was stitched up and Mike was able to go snap a couple of pics.

Owen

Emma... so alert

Emma girl

O-man

The rest of Monday is a daze for me; I was in an out of consciousness. Mike said that during the day, after I was observed in the recovery room for a while, I would talk to him for a little bit and literally fall asleep 5 seconds later. Our friends Grant and Carolyn even came to visit us, which I vaguely (if at all) remember.

My catheter and IV came out on Tuesday, which meant that it was time for me to already be getting up out of bed. I didn't know what to really expect with a c-section (reading material and advice from friends only does so much/goes so far), but knew that it would be really hard to get in and out of bed and even walk. I remember when I tried to make it to the wheelchair that was about 2 feet from my bed and I thought, "This is IMPOSSIBLE!!!" Everything got easier and better with each passing day. I spent a lot of time walking up and down the hospital hallways pushing a wheelchair to balance myself. I think the exercise really helped. Another blog post in the future on my opinion of c-sections...

Little Owen had to stay in the incubator until his breathing was regulated, which meant that we couldn't hold him or have him in our room (or take many pics). But Emma girl was in and out of our room and passed from visitor to visitor each day.

I look like death... still so swollen.

Love this sweet picture of Emma and her daddy!!!

E Drinking milk from a cup... she looked like a little kitten!

E being burped.

Love that little tongue hanging out. Uber relaxed.

On Thursday evening,  Owen's breathing had regulated, he was off oxygen and taken out of his incubator. Mike was able to hold him for the first time.

So handsome! I love his fluffy hair!! :)

Owen and I were able to spend some time together on Friday morning before I checked out of the hospital with Emma. He still needed a few more days of observation before going home, even though he was out of the incubator and off oxygen.

Teary-eyed Mama: Holding Owen for the first time.

Going home with Emma on Friday morning. I was an emotional mess, as you can see. Mixed emotions about leaving Owen, excitement about going home, fear of being responsible for this new little life... uhm, and just slightly post-pregnancy hormonal. :)

Unfortunately, Mike was not able to be with us when we went home. He had taken a half day at work and had the morning off, but the whole check-out process took way longer than it should have and he actually had to leave to get to work. Don't worry, he left me in able hands... I had two wonderful ladies take me home and spend the afternoon with me until Mike got home that afternoon.

Mike was able to go to the hospital on Saturday to visit Owen and then on Sunday morning, we went with our friends Grant and Carolyn, to go to the hospital to take sweet Owen home. It was Emma's first outing and her first time being reunited with her womb-mate.

Our baby carriers, Grant and Carolyn! Such a blessing to have them since I was still so sore and slow.

Owen getting footprinted before we left.

Reunited and it feels so good!!!

Hooray! Now our family is complete!

Home!

Womb-mates!

We are so grateful to be home, to be recovering well from my c-section (I feel great!), to have two precious, precious gifts, and for all your love and well wishes.  Thank you to all who came to visit us in the hospital; we were so overwhelmed by your love & kindness!

Please pray for us as we continually adjust to being a family of four, as Mike and I learn how to parent, as we learn to thrive on less sleep (and for those of you that know us well, you know how much Mike and I love sleep, particularly me...), and that Christ would remain our center and strength through it all.

Much love to you all.